Friday, April 24, 2015

chaos matters

because real life is messy
with days that can be both minutes
and months
and those days lead to change
and so much has happened
and I'm standing still
and it's almost May
and the lists get longer
with no check marks
and I glance back on the plan
and I wonder
can I start again?
with a new direction
a new plan
and I don't know what this is
but a call from the Almighty
still I sit in silence
scared these thoughts
have no depth
and these days
have no meaning
and this life
is too broken
to be worth sharing
I've grown close
to uncertainty
I'm learning to hold it's hand
in my plans
in my moments
in my prayers
in my hopes
but therein lies the chaos
bear with me
as I begin, yet again

Sunday, January 25, 2015

midnight resolutions

it's not midnight.
but it's definitely one in the morning...
and I certainly just jotted down some "things to accomplish"
because I was thinking of farmers markets and pizza
and feeling under impressed with 2014
and feeling overly daunted with 2015
and it's nearly february
so here goes a list
of things I hope I may possibly include in the months that lie ahead

2015 Resolutions:

1. finally go snowshoeing
2. savor some farmers market pizza
3. enjoy a drive in movie
4. go fishing with dad
5. take Rooney camping
6. water ski in lake chelan
7. go to an outdoor concert
8. play in a fountain
9. go to the ocean
10. watch the sunrise
11. dine alfresco
12. start running again
13. eat pie at the chimacum cafe
14. float a river
15. visit the olympic game farm
16. do the underground seattle tour
17. see a movie at the rose theater
18. take weekend sojourns as frequently as you can
19. make more time for reading
20. try out moms christmas kayaks
21. go to the communal farm breakfast
22. hike some new trails
23. break out that 35mm

those last two are blank
for when I remember what I'm certain has been forgotten
or when I learn of something currently unknown to me

Monday, January 19, 2015

and here we are

and christmas was spent with family
and wine
and diamond rings 
and celebrations
and planning
and a child ricocheting off the walls 
and tears and tantrums (both mine and hers)

and baking. loads of baking. 
and cincinatti chili with hot dogs 
and beer
and doritos
and mac n cheese
and insane sister breakfasts
and seafood feasts
and italian feasts

and the eve was spent assembling plastic chaos 
and I used lots of dry shampoo
and showered very little

and we missed the lights
and some of the traditions
and I went to church at nearly midnight
and I sang those words, “come thou long expected Jesus”
and I ached for Him

and there were goodbyes
and there were hard conversations
and there were frustrations

and the new year came unnoticed
and the resolutions never left my head
and I read the words of others
and I cried

and there was a weekend away
and it was filled with snow
and long underwear
and unmet expectations

and I came home to textbooks
and longer to do lists
and challenges
and un-mailed Christmas cards

and I prayed for peace
and I prayed for healing
and I sought relief
and I fought back tears
and I sat still
and He met me there

and here we are

Saturday, November 8, 2014

my soul longs

as the deer pants for water, so my soul longs after you. 

I used to sing these words on Sunday mornings,
in a chorus full of other voices. 
I used to sing these words with a different understanding, 
believing that soul longing was something attained.

I used to pray that my soul would long for Him - like it was supposed to.
I used to misunderstand this hymn entirely.

as the deer pants for water, so my soul longs after you.

without question, without prayer, without trying,
my soul longs for you.
as second nature as an animals thirst,
my soul longs after you.

in my waking, in my sleeping
in my trying, in my failing
in my praying, in my hiding
my soul longs after you

you alone are my hearts desire, and I long to worship you.

you don't have to try and long for Him,
you were created to long for Him.
whether you want to or not,
whether you identify it as that or not,
your soul will always long for Him.

and it is in the realizing of our longing,
it is in the knowledge of our need,
it is in the accepting of our yearning,
that we begin to feel peace. 

you alone are my strength, my shield, to you alone, may my spirit yield.
you alone are my hearts desire, and I long to worship you. 

Thursday, October 23, 2014

prayers + praises (wk. 3)

should I even acknowledge it? or just continue as if a month hasn't passed...

where did September go? where did October go?

it seems that when my life shifts
it does so dramatically
and I’m straddling fault lines and trying not
to slip through the cracks.
friends, if you are someone who prays, I need them
i’m in the period of transition and i’m drowning

-that I may learn to manage my time as the treasure that it is
-that you may "give me the strength life demands,
and the humor with which to live it" ( to quote Song of Solomon) 
-that you may guide my steps, thoughts, and actions
so that I become a living example of your love and grace. 

praises for
-being one month into a new job
-being one month into school
-for giving me clarity and direction
-for filling me with your peace


Monday, September 15, 2014

the weekend something (wk. 2)

at this moment in time I'm sitting at my desk silently screaming because my computer casually deleted something I spent 2+ hours working goes on.

this past weekend?

something yum - what can I say, I'm a creature of habit, this weekends yum was also a burger and fries...because it is now and will always be my fave


something fun - my sweet friend and I took Roon to the Dungeness Spit for some beach hiking ... two hours after arriving we had made it exactly 15 feet from where we started. So much for the hiking but Roon had a great time splashing and we got all caught up on each others lives.

something done - Sunday I finally caved and picked up this day-planner ... because life is busy and I need paper and lists to make sense of it. 

how was your weekend? how is your monday?

Friday, September 12, 2014

this week.

this week I'm ... 

craving queso + a jalapeno margarita
listening to "Reign In Us" by Starfield 
catching up on "The Following"
falling behind on my Hosea devotions
weighing the pros and cons of this early education program
starting to plan my christmas gift giving
missing strawberries and blackberries
dreaming about pumpkin carving and apple cider
going to make that gelato
enjoying the last of the summer sunshine
looking forward to a saturday well spent