Friday, July 11, 2014

the valley

"yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 
I will fear no evil. your rod and your staff they comfort me." 
                                        Psalm 23

I know that valley 
And I’ve spent many nights with that shadow 
it knows my weaknesses 
it knows when I’m struggling
when I’m vulnerable  

I love this verse 
because it accepts the valley of the shadow of death 
it doesn’t pretend that pain doesn’t exist
it doesn’t proclaim that in God there is always joy

it acknowledges misery 
it recognizes it as evil 
it welcomes it without fear 
it seeks solace in God 

it seeks comfort

the tomato soup + grilled cheese 
the good cry in the shower 
the sympathetic hand squeeze 

comfort isn’t joy 
it isn’t bliss 
it isn’t exclamation 

it’s a quiet companion 
it’s warmth in the pit of your stomach 
it eases the burden 
it numbs the pain 
it catches the tears 

comfort understands 

it is compassionate 
it is quiet 
it is peaceful 
it is relief

God is comfort

Monday, March 10, 2014


The first year came, and it went. 
I made it. 
We made it. 
The emotions abounded
and they were endless and overwhelming and at times uncontainable. 
You could see them behind my eyes, lurking in the rims 
and sometimes slipping off my tongue.

Now as the year marker has come and gone 
the emotions have begun to simmer to a manageable quantity 
but the energy has run out. 
I've noticed it these last couple days. 
I'm tapped out. The well is dry. My limbs ache, my mind has gone fuzzy. 

I frequently find myself lying incapacitated in random places. 
The nursery floor, the kitchen floor, the gym floor - 
pretending to do abs when I'm really sneaking in a nap 
while I get my one hour when someone else watches my child. 

but I love that girl.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

the good + the bad

you know what feels good? 

organizing 8,000 photos that all speak to how blessed you are.

a sister who lets me emotionally unload on her, constantly

a godmom that gifts an adorable swimsuit for the mommy + me class
and one that flies across the country to celebrate the first birthday

conversations that go so deep they both hurt and heal

plans to escape for a weekend of rejuvenation + inspiration

you know what I'm not proud of?

my current uniform of yoga pants, sweatshirt + fuzzy socks *bra optional*

my diet of not enough water and too many treats *read I bought the Reese's Chip's Ahoy*

my inability to blog with consistency

my nothing checked off the Try New Things list *unless you count soothing a hysterical baby at a nearby Starbucks during the Seahawks Superbowl parade as tailgating, because that totally happened*

life goes on my friends, in chaos, calamity, and splendor, life goes on.

Monday, November 25, 2013

2 days

guess who disappeared again
 at this point it is probably expected, things are crazy folks
there's so much going on and so little time 
and I'm doggy paddling and drowning and doggy paddling

every area of my life is caught in the crossfires of my over zealous attitude 
and compulsive need to do-it-all but as it turns out I can't do it all 
I can only do a few things and lately those few things are suffering
I'm burnt out from my toes to my nose the wick has run out
they say that actions speak louder than words
so rather than tell you how sorry I am, I'll just instead be present
if you're still coming back, if you're still reading this, come walk with me, 
let me take you back a ways to those months that flew by in a blur, 
the one that I jotted down in my phone,
the one that I celebrated momentarily,
with bleary eyes and a kiss, the one I missed entirely
let me take you back to this trip
where I soaked my soul in southern hospitality, 
where I ate too much, and laughed too hard, 
and stayed up too late talking about boys, 
and baking and playing junior high games, 
let me take you to that moment when this girl 
was out of the womb longer than she was in
when she played with and ate leaves
until she bonked her head on a tree stump
and I had to swoop in with magical arms
and healing kisses that I didn't know I had 
to the moment when I prayed and questioned 
and fought and conceded, and I quit my job
yeah...that happened 
and I'm 2 days shy of "self-employed"
I'm 2 days shy of spending the holidays with my family, 
2 days shy of enjoying my daughter
and not just noticing her growth among the monotony of routine. 
2 days shy of something that I don't know yet, 
2 days shy of a bigger plan, 2 days shy.
I'm going to be scraping by, living on an excess of coffee 
and nearly constant prayer 
and fighting off the results of living with a mobile petri dish 
but you can find me here, and here
and if you're feeling generous 
and if you've been blessed with more than you need 
I would encourage you to head over here

Sunday, November 24, 2013

7 months

no words were written to remember this by
but it was September
and you were lovely

Reminiscing: Summer at the Lake

you want to go back a ways? let me take you back to when the sun was high and the air wreaked of fruit and wildflowers. back when legs were bare and hearts were wild. back before Dallas even. back to summer, when Rooney turned 5 months old. when she ate her first bites of food and she played in a swimming pool. let me take you back...

because water makes me new
clears my head
frees me

there's something in that cold,
the one that makes every bit of skin tighten,
makes your heart skip a beat, cleans your soul
oldies on the radio, sing out Heyyyyy Jude

and burgers, the best kind of burgers,
that come in greasy foil, with plastic containers,
of who knows what, but it's good, so we drench our fries,
and wash it down with chocolate shakes

and we talk
about nothing
and everything
and we let our skin darken
and our worries soften
and we breathe


Such a faint memory by now. A faint, fond memory that I want to crawl back inside of. The weather has turned to a biting cold here, and while I love it and the hints of Christmas that it brings, I miss that warmth...
The flight was rough. The combination of unknowns, the combination of my fears and my realities. I had been up late the night before packing, unpacking, repacking, evaluating, pacing, biting my nails, worrying. She woke up and stayed up for most of the car ride to the airport. Dark and stormy, a sea of tail lights before us. But we arrived, and we managed to board and she instantly fell asleep and I was basking in all my parenting glory...when she woke up. In the 5 minutes that followed she threw up on my shirt, dump my water in my lap and threw my breakfast on the floor. God likes to keep me humble ;) 

Dallas met us with an unexpected warmth. A sweaty hug of a greeting. And there was Rachel, we screamed, and giggled and shared a dancing hug before embarking on what was certainly, my greatest food adventure.

Starting with fried chicken Texas toast and crinkle fries...prepare yourself folks, your about to experience an onslaught of photos from a glorious, glorious trip.
 {posing at Rachel's school - Southern Methodist University}

 {these tacos changed my life}

 {getting some godmomma love}

 {State Fair of Texas}

 {we had fun at the petting zoo}

 {playing it cool on the star of Texas}

 {getting our school spirit on}

{riding the train through the park in New Braunfels}

There are so many more photos and soon I will upload them all to Flickr and when I do I'll share that link over here but for now, hear me when I say that we ate an abundance of queso and tried more fried foods than I should admit to, and I lost my food truck virginity on a Brisket Grilled Cheese sandwich that I only have a mediocre photo of because I ate it so quickly. There was night after glorious late night talking about boys and men and God and mistakes and what the future may hold. And we laughed. Belly shaking, tear rolling, laughter. I miss this girl and I miss this trip. We will be back soon, for more laughter and more tacos.