Friday, November 20, 2015

to Gin...

you are lovely.

this year has been the hardest. 

and it has hurt in the deepest, 
most painful ways.

and here I am
and you are saying these words
and speaking these truths 
that I didn’t know were there

and we’ve both grown
and we’ve both struggled

and I see this light,
this twinkle in you,
that had disappeared for awhile
and it’s back
amidst your tired
and your frustrated
it is shining bright

and it shone on me
and the mess I’ve been
in the most loving way

and in the shame
I’ve been wallowing
there is peace
and there is relief

and I pray that you continue to grow
and I pray that I might be a part of it
and I thank you for your hand
in my own growth

forgive me, friend, for my missteps

neither of us our perfect
but Christ is moving in us both
in deeply powerful and profound ways

and I’m so truly happy you are here
to share with me
and I’m so truly happy we are here
to share together

don’t give up on me


Friday, November 13, 2015

You Are Worthy

I've lost countless hours to these lies
been paralyzed by shame and self-doubt
comparison is a drug I can't kick
a chain, by which I'm bound
and I'm seeking to prove them wrong
while they whisper, you can't

and I believe those lies
and I try to hide
try to run
try to fight
and I'm worn out
and I've got nothing left
so I let them sit
heavy on my heart
and they are all I see
and all I feel
ten thousand pounds
of insecurities

all the hours I've wasted
all the tears I've cried
over a job
over a boy
over a life
that isn't mine

and meanwhile
Your goodness abounds
Your love is unfailing
Your grace never ends

and You call me daughter
You call me treasured
call me worthy

oh to rest in You...
help me rest in You
oh Lord...

Thursday, November 12, 2015


“more than anything, He wants you to be holy” 

I have a small wooden box
where I keep index cards
scribbled with words worth remembering
these words are stored there
collected from Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliot

I’ve heard that holy comes from the same root as whole and healthy. 

I am none of these things
or whole 
or healthy
but I am crying out for them
because this year has brought hurts that are deep
and opened scars that won’t seem to heal

so I cry out, Lord
I’m desperate for you
I’m lost without you

this year has been one of breaking down
and waiting to be built back up
and there is pain in the breaking down 
and hurt in the coming undone 
and it feels endless in the midst of it
and, oh, how it hurts

it seems that I am always ending
and beginning
and this time is no different
yet not at all the same
this time 
she cries holy
make me whole

heal me
restore me
sanctify me

I changed the name months ago
it came to me and felt right
but I didn’t know why
or what it meant
but now I do

in this month of thanksgiving
I praise the One who takes us broken
and makes us whole

join me, 
on a journey
towards health
towards healing
towards growth
towards wholeness

join me,
as I cry holy
make me holy

Monday, June 29, 2015


is a bowl of watermelon, broken by small, eager hands
is two candles, with two lips blowing them out
is a coffee shop, decorated in secret with love and crepe paper
is words, beautiful words, streaming in one after another
is yellow and pink, blooming from glass jars
is chocolate and coffee, and more chocolate
is a hot mug, a cold drink, and rainbow sprinkles
is exchanging hearts and breaking bread in the sunshine
is candy colored balls and bowling pins
is community, and counting blessings before sleep 
is bare legs and a sippy cup, snoring softly next to me

Thursday, June 25, 2015

where I'm from | poetry

School has begun again!
Last night I completed the first assignment of the quarter
and it was so good that I couldn't help but share it.
We were given the poem "Where I'm From" by George Ella Lyon to read
and then asked to reflect on our own childhoods and the memories that defined them.

To begin we made lists of specific details of our childhood homes,
phrases we remembered, objects that were commonplace to us.
We made note of all those precious tidbits and seemingly insignificant details
that bury themselves deep inside us and paint a portrait of our lives.

Then we were provided a template, to fill in and create our own "Where I'm From" poem.
I am from yellow painted walls and a hill of wild flowers,
(that was perfect for rolling down)
I am from the rhododendron bush
that nearly blocked dad’s workshop door. 
From the giant pink blooms that made fingers sticky.

I’m from grace before supper and barbecues on sunday.
From big dreamers and kind hearts and quick wit. 
I am from Cole and Julie and a little bit of Rankin.

I am from homemade pizza and passionate words and competitive card games. 
From “don’t you take that tone with me” and “Jesus loves you”. 
I am from Holy Communion and 'give us today' and the undeserved grace of a savior. 

I’m from Kitsap County and Ireland, burnt peanuts and black licorice. 

From the time my dad used his riding lawn mower to pull my sister and I on a sled through the snowy yard, the time we sat huddled on a church pew with soggy tears and wept for my nana, and the time my sister and I boarded a plane for Germany because this town is just too small. 

I am from shoeboxes of old photos and newspaper articles and meaningful words on pretty paper. 
I am from travel journals and diaries and hand me down clothes, saved for the next generation. 
I am from trinkets and treasures and trophies, stored in plastic bins. 
I am from milestones, carefully framed above the mantle. 
If you are interested in creating your own poem, here is the template

“Where I'm From” Poem Template
I'm from______________________________
(specific ordinary item/food item when you were a kid),
From __________________________________
(product name/Household Cleaner that is always in your home) and_____________________________
(product name /First aid item that is always in your house).

I am from the________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________
(home description...adjective, adjective, sensory detail).
I am from the ________________________________________________________
(plant, flower, natural item), the________________________________________________________________
(description of the natural item).

I’m from ____________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________
(family tradition / something your family always does) and ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________
(description of family trait / way in which family members are alike – physically, emotionally, intellectually), from _______ (name of family member) and _______ (another family name) and _______ (family name).

I am from the ________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________
(description of family tendency + reunion, family vacations, watching football, dinner around the table)
and ________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________ (another family tendency).
From__________________________________________(something you were told as a child) and ____________________________________________(another).

I am from___________________________________________________________
(representation of religion, or lack of it).
I'm from _____________________________________________
(place of birth and family ancestry),
_____________________________________________(two food items representing your family).

From the time when ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________
(specific family story about a specific person and detail), the___________________
_________________________________________________(another detail), and the ________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________
(another detail about another family member).

I am from___________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________
(location of family pictures, mementos, archives and several more lines indicating their worth/summary of life / where you keep your memories.)

Sunday, June 21, 2015

thy will, my pleadings

( I've been so caught up, in who I'm not - Plumb, Lord I'm Ready Now)

Seek me
Fight for me
Trust me
and let the rest go. 

and I've been praying words
that sound like pleadings,
they say,
show me, tell me,
speak to me!
who am I to you?
where are you leading me?
what plans have you purposed for me?
please, I sigh.
and I've been frustrated
and exhausted
and exasperated, even.
and my heart is well intentioned,
and my longings are earnest.
but then you bring me to my knees
and you take me to that place
where I realize that my anxious heart
stems from a heart not fixed on you.
that my fears and worries 
and my desires 
are not breathed from you to me
but are the product of misplaced trust
a mind focused 
on what the world tells me
that I need to know
what the world tells me
that I need to be
so here, I lay my hands 
before you, Lord God.
yet, again.
offering this life, 
that in me,
that through me,
Thy will be done. 

Friday, April 24, 2015

chaos matters

because real life is messy
with days that can be both minutes
and months
and those days lead to change
and so much has happened
and I'm standing still
and it's almost May
and the lists get longer
with no check marks
and I glance back on the plan
and I wonder
can I start again?
with a new direction
a new plan
and I don't know what this is
but a call from the Almighty
still I sit in silence
scared these thoughts
have no depth
and these days
have no meaning
and this life
is too broken
to be worth sharing
I've grown close
to uncertainty
I'm learning to hold it's hand
in my plans
in my moments
in my prayers
in my hopes
but therein lies the chaos
bear with me
as I begin, yet again